she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
