Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
