Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
