i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
