you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize
