I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Randomize
