saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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