My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
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