In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
