if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
