I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
