I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
You need a sexual gate keeper
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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