dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
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Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
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He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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