as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
