R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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