EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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