If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Your cock deserves a montage
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
