READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
