we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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