tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Randomize
