I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
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fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
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By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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