A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
