Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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