he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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