I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Randomize
