These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
