So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
