someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
