Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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