A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
