Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I think im going to throw up on grandma
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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