when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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