Your mouth is God's brothel.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
