I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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