Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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