I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
