I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
