Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Randomize
