life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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