How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
