once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
