hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
How's work?
Spinning.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Randomize
