ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
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