She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
