Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
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I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
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He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize