in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Naked. naked and bneed help.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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