So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
