I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Randomize
