Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
