My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize
