Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
