I hate all girls vehemently.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
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