Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
